Kids, wake up! Oh, my gosh, I overslept!
Guys, I overslept!
(GROANS) If I ever meet the guy that invented the snooze alarm,
I'm gonna slap him in the face every five minutes.
Come on, you guys. Come on, hurry up!
We don't wanna keep your mother waiting.
So, that concludes our drill
on what to do in case we ever oversleep.
So, just go back into your rooms and put your school clothes on.
Don't keep your mother waiting. That's good. Come on, guys.
You know, Dad, I'm tired of being woken up like a fireman
without the thrill of the job.
Come on, Tommy. We'll be out of here in five minutes.
I'll pop in some toaster waffles. Don't make a big thing about it, okay?
"Don't make a big thing about it"?
Why are you suddenly acting like the woman I wish I'd married?
We better not be late. I'm the tardy officer.
How would that look?
Hey, why don't you set your alarm, Louise,
and then you can wake me up every day?
For the same reason I'm not going to give myself away at my wedding,
'cause it's not my job.
Hey, Tom, honey, don't forget to bring some nice clothes tonight.
I can't believe you're still making me do that, Mom.
- Do what? - Mom told the new neighbors
I would ask their friendless daughter to the school dance tonight.
Come on, Tommy, be nice, be nice. They just moved in.
It wouldn't hurt you to introduce Marjorie
to the people she'll be going to school with.
Fine, but we are officially even.
After this, I don't ever wanna hear
about how my big head ruined your body.
All right, what's going on around here?
I mean, you're being nice, you're cleaning up for no reason.
What's... Oh, my gosh. The doctor called. I have cancer.
Is it in my head or in my butt?
Can't I just be nice and easygoing for no reason?
Based on my 15 years of research, no.
Don't run the dishwasher. It's broken. What's going on with you?
Okay. Walter and I set a wedding date, May 16th.
(SCREAMING EX CITEDLY)
- That's great! Allison, that's great! - I know, isn't it?
I'm getting married!
No more Allison money! No more alimony! Hey! Hey!
- Yeah? - Maybe that's where they got the word
alimony from. Allison money. Alimony.
- What? Yeah. - Allison money, alimony.
- I know. It is exciting, though.
I mean, really. I feel like I finally know where my life is headed.
I feel like I just passed a 120-pound kidney stone
that says she's 110.
You know, I wonder what it's gonna be like to be married to a man
who doesn't smell his Q-tips after he uses them.
- Come on, Louise! You guys ready? - LOUISE: Yep! Let's go!
- Okay. - I gotta get going.
- Okay. - I have to be in Long Beach by 9:00.
- All right. - What a happy day.
- Hey, Allison? - Yeah?
Remember in The Wizard of Oz
when the movie went from black and white to Technicolor?
- Yeah? - I don't know how they did that.
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
(RATTLING)
- I am so sorry. - "Don't start the dishwasher."
There's really only one way to screw up those instructions.
I'm so sorry, Gary. What... Oh, what is this?
Well, remember my dad gave me that newspaper
when man landed on the moon
and you told me it would never be worth anything?
Well, now you're right.
So, how bad was it?
How bad was it? Are you kidding me?
The water ran for seven straight hours. Every floorboard buckled.
The neighbors gathered around the house.
They thought the house was weeping
- and it was a miracle from God. - Okay, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, Gary. I am so sorry. - Stop saying you're sorry.
You sound like me when we were married.
Are you sure you want me to stay here?
Well, of course I don't want you to stay here,
but after what I did I can't make you go to a hotel
'cause you'll hold that over my head
- forever. - Forever.
So, I... I got you some beer
and I'm gonna make you a steak,
and I insist that you stay in the master bedroom.
My old bedroom. Great, you know, that'll be like...
It'll be like when they show a prisoner the cell he lived in for 15 years.
- Hey, Dad. - Hi, sweetheart.
Hey, Louise, honey,
your dad is gonna be staying with us for a couple days.
- Okay. - And I don't want it to be confusing,
but your father and I are not getting back together, okay?
In a few days, everything will go back to the way it was before,
but, you know, not before when we were married "before,"
before the flood "before." Okay?
I wasn't confused until you tried to explain it that way.
Yeah, I'm with Louise. I'm...
- We're not back together, right? - No, no.
- Okay. - No, right. Yeah.
Hey, Son. When you leaving for the big dance?
As soon as Cowzilla rips the roof off and plucks me out.
That's a lousy attitude, Tommy.
You don't even know what this girl looks like.
Yeah, I know, but it's just not fair, Dad. Mom should've asked me first.
What's the big deal? You take her to the dance,
you stiff-arm her through a couple of numbers,
you let her graze over to the buffet and fill her four stomachs
and you bring her home.
(CAR DOOR SLAMMING)
- Oh, oh, she's here. She's here. - How bad is it?
(LAUGHING)
Okay, look. Try not to stare.
- Okay. - Okay?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
- Hi, Marjorie. How are you? - Hi. Nice to meet you, Mr. Brooks.
It's nice to meet you. Come on in, okay?
Hi, Tom.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
(PANTING) Uh...
I'm gonna say something now.
That may have been it.
Hi. Hi, Marjorie. Look at you. You look so pretty. I love that dress.
- Isn't that a pretty dress, Tom? - Okay.
You know what? Thanks for doing this, Tom.
Total drag taking out the new girl, right?
Hey, at one time or another, we've all been the new girl.
You know what, honey? Your hair's starting to fall in the back.
- Let me help. Come here. - (GARY CHUCKLES)
Let me talk to you. Tommy? Tom. Let's go. Come on.
- Are you okay? - No, I'm not okay.
My heart's beating so fast my tie is moving.
All right, look. Okay, here's some money, okay?
Okay. Do I give it to her now or when we come home?
That's for snacks at the dance.
Sorry, I'm just a little nervous, you know?
- I'm just... - Tommy. Tommy. It's a...
- I got it. - Okay. You all right?
Yeah.
Let me help calm your fears a little here, okay?
You don't have to change the oil in your car every 3,000 miles.
It's okay to do it every 5,000 miles. That's fine.
What does that have to do with my date?
Nothing. I'm just trying to get your head out of it, okay?
All right, let's go.
Hey, Tom, come on. Marjorie's mom's waiting.
Nice to see you, Mrs. Brooks.
- Nice to meet you, Mr. Brooks. - Okay.
Let's go, Tom.
(WHIMPERS)
I just wanna let you know that I am completely unprepared for this
and I blame both of you.
Are you aware that Tom just left the house with a grown woman?
Oh, uh, she's 15, Walter.
Was she sent from some island to protect mankind?
She and her family just moved here from Iowa.
Of course, corn.
Hey, Krandall, congratulations on taking over the reins at Team Allison.
Yeah, I hope you do a better job with the franchise than I ever did, huh?
Come on!
Can we just settle for a high-five or whatever it is your people do?
Yeah.
I brought over the CDs of the potential wedding bands you asked for.
- Right. - We got Dixieland, disco.
- Okay. - I even threw in some country-western
for the Texas Krandalls.
The Texas Krandalls. So, when they say,
"Remember the Alamo," you do.
Very funny, Gary.
I'll remember that joke fondly the next time I'm lying
on top of your former wife.
All right, I'm gonna go put my bag
- in your room, okay, Allison? - Okay.
Wait a minute. Why is he going to your bedroom?
Walter, I flooded his house.
The least I could do is put him up for a couple of days
and let him sleep in the master bedroom.
- And you'll be sleeping... - In the guest bedroom.
Walter, wait a minute. You're not jealous, are you?
Of Gary?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
How long is he gonna be staying?
Hey, Allison, I forgot to tell you.
I might have exaggerated a little bit
with this girl that works down at the coffee shop,
so if the phone rings, please answer, "Senator Brooks' office."
Two days, tops.
- So, I'll see you tomorrow at school? - Yes.
Promise me you're gonna have lunch with me. I don't wanna eat by myself.
Okay. Tomorrow's meatloaf day, so I'll bring a Beaujolais.
- Dad? Dad? - Hey, Son. How are you?
Well, I think it's safe to say that I'm in really over my head here.
Why, what happened?
Look, I don't know if you've noticed or not, but Marjorie's kind of hot.
The law doesn't really let me have this conversation with you,
but I understand the words you're saying.
I mean, we were the center of attention all night,
and people were staring and snapping pictures.
Even the coach slapped me on the shoulder
and told me he could use someone like me on defense.
I'm starting next week and I don't even know what sport I'm playing.
All right, calm down.
Look, when you're with a girl like Marjorie,
you're gonna draw a lot of attention, okay?
All right. It's like driving a Ferrari, okay?
When you're next to something that sleek and beautiful,
again, I have to go with the car metaphor for legal purposes,
people are gonna notice, you know?
You know, I don't think I can handle that.
You know, I'm an under-the-radar kind of guy.
Tommy, didn't a part of you tonight like that attention?
- Yes. - Come on, let me hear it.
- You liked it. Yeah? - Yes. Yes. Okay, I loved it!
- I felt like a god! - You felt like a god! Yes! All right!
Now go upstairs and put on your pajamas
and get ready for bed.
And tomorrow, you sit with her at lunchtime
and you're gonna be the coolest guy in school.
Wow. You know, I'm finally cooler than Randy Wilcox.
And he brought his own son to health class.
Hey, roomie. You know, I forgot how much I love living here.
Gary, did you shave in the kitchen sink a while ago?
Yes, I did. Don't worry, though. It was mostly my face.
- What are you doing? - I'm planning a wedding, Gary,
and I'm on hold with a realtor.
I'm thinking about selling the house once I move in with Walter.
Hi. Hi, Linda. It's Allison Brooks. I spoke with you last week. I have this...
Yeah, and we saw your ad on the bus bench.
- Very nice smile. Bye-bye. - Gary.
- You can't sell our house. - No, but I can sell my house.
No, in this economy? You'd be crazy. Let me rent it from you.
- Okay, what? - Yeah, you don't wanna uproot the kids.
They live in the house. They have all these great memories here.
Think of all the dead pets buried in the backyard, you know?
Some family comes in,
they wanna put in a pool, they start digging.
Next thing you know, there's a hamster with a badge asking a lot of questions.
I don't know. I mean, Gary, I would be your landlord.
Yes, you would. You'd be my landlord,
and if I fell behind on the rent,
you could just throw me out in the dead of winter.
- You would love that! - I would love that.
It's perfect. So? So?
Okay, yeah. Yeah, you can rent my house.
Yes! Yes! Jessica, I'm back!
You named our house Jessica?
When you're in prison, you get Ionely, Allison.
You start to name stuff.
This is perfect. It's just like old times, except good.
Allison, your Ilama got loose.
Walter? What are you doing out there?
When I was here earlier, I think I left my keys.
(COUGHS) Yeah, there they are, right where I left them.
So, what are you two doing?
Well, I am planning a wedding, Gary's bothering me
and you're obviously here 'cause you're jealous.
All right, so what if I am?
I think it's inappropriate that Gary is staying here.
There are hotels and hostels. I could even make room at my place.
There's a pull-out couch in the train room.
You know, Walter, I don't like this side of you.
We're getting married, and you don't even trust me.
I mean, what does that say about us?
All right, wait a minute, you two. Knock it off, okay?
Let's just slow things down for a second here.
Krandall has a train room?
(LAUGHING)
But I know what this is. It's just pre-wedding jitters, okay?
Let's not lose sight of what's important here, okay?
And that is me moving out of my dump and moving back here, okay?
Walter... Walter, you know how I feel about Gary.
I mean, I would not sleep with Gary if it would save his life,
which, by the way,
I think that was the way he tricked me into doing it the first time.
All I said was I didn't know how much time I had left
- and in all fairness, do any of us? - Yeah, well...
Well, if I was planning on sleeping with Gary,
I would express my disgust as vigorously as you just did.
Oh, my God. I can't believe you are acting so irrational.
I can't deal with this right now.
I'm gonna run a bath, take a sleeping pill and go to bed.
Krandall, if we wind up sleeping together,
you should know I'm a man that likes to be held.
(TAP RUNNING)
(SIGHING)
- Good morning. - Good morning.
- Allison? - Gary?
Mango.
- Walter? - Krandall!
Bear claw?
Walter, what are you doing here?
I came over with a box of apology bear claws.
The question is what are you two doing here?
Yeah, yeah, Gary, what are you doing here?
You told me to sleep in here. What are you doing here?
I don't know! I took a sleeping pill.
I just... I must've, you know, stumbled in here by accident, and...
- But why were you spooning me? - Why were you backing up into me?
Hey, you know what? When you get spooned, you back in!
That's the way I was raised!
And to think you accused me of being overly jealous.
Well... What were you... You just walked into my house?
- You're in bed with another man! - Please, it's not a man.
- It's Gary. - Exactly.
She's right, Krandall. Nothing happened.
It was just like when we were married.
Mom, we're...
What is everybody doing in here?
- Bear claw, Louise? - Yeah.
- Can I, Mom? - ALLISON: Yeah.
Yeah, grab one for your brother. There you go.
Thank you, Dr. Krandall. Our ride to school is here.
- Okay. - Have a great day.
Tommy, I have no clue what's going on in here,
but we get sugar for breakfast!
Remember, honey, family stuff is private!
Okay, look, Walter, I know what this must look like,
but you have to believe us. This was an accident.
I know exactly what it looks like and it was no accident.
Krandall, wait a minute. Don't throw away your marriage with Allison
and, most importantly,
you're gonna blow my shot at getting back together with Jessica.
- Who is Jessica? - It's the name he calls the house. It's...
- It's a prison thing. - Yeah, I don't really understand.
Well, Gary, I'm sorry to disappoint you and Jessica,
but there isn't gonna be a wedding. Allison clearly isn't ready to be my wife.
Walter, wait a minute! You can't leave like this!
WALTER: I believe I can and I will...
(WALTER EX CLAIMS)
(TUMBLING)
ALLISON: My God! Walter fell down the stairs!
Oh, Jessica, what have you done?
Walter, are you all right?
Oh, no, I'm fine. I've never been good at storming out.
I have small feet and a high center of gravity.
ALLISON: Okay.
Excellent save on the bear claws, Krandall.
Here, let me... Let me help you up.
No, leave me alone. I'm gonna sit here and say my piece.
Okay, look, Walter, why would you say I don't wanna get married?
Because every one of your actions, starting with flooding Gary's house,
is explainable on a subconscious level. May I elaborate?
Uh, no, I don't think it's good to elaborate after a fall.
(SHUSHING) Gary. Gary, come on. Walter, go on.
Gary told you not to run the dishwasher,
yet you did, knowing it would flood his house
and he'd need a place to stay.
You're saying I did all this deliberately
just so I could get him over here and get into bed with him?
- Exactly. - You're wrong, Krandall.
The only reason Allison flooded my house
is 'cause she lives to make my life miserable,
and the only reason I'm here is so she can make my life miserable
and save on gas.
No, Walter's right. I did all this subconsciously,
knowing that Walter was so jealous that if he caught us in bed together,
he would call off the wedding. Oh, God, it was all so deliberate.
Right down to the sleeping pills.
What is this, an old episode of Quincy?
You can say it, Mango. You're not ready to get married.
- No, no, don't... Don't say it, Mango! - No.
- GARY: Don't say it. - No, he's right. I...
- I don't wanna get married. - Sure you do! Yes, you do!
Look how handsome this guy is.
You love him, he loves you, and he's just...
He's two titanium hips away from walking down the aisle.
Walter, this... Like, our whole relationship
was just a reaction to my marriage with Gary, wasn't it?
Kiss her, Krandall. Kiss your woman.
Walter, you are a loving and kind man, but I cannot marry you
just because you're, like, the complete opposite of Gary.
I understand, Mango. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken,
but I'm gonna let you go and I'm gonna do it with dignity.
Starting now.
Cranberry, I'm gonna go get you some ice.
Gary, would you help this wonderful, sweet man to the sofa?
Man, I can't believe it.
No, I'm afraid she's gone, Gary.
This is where they've been sending my Sports Illustrated.
(BLOW-DRYER WHIRRING)
(OVEN TIMER TINGS)
Baseball cards are done.
Well, let's see them, let's see them. What've we got?
Oh, yeah. Harmon Killebrew. He's hot.
Hey, for what it's worth, you know,
I'm sorry you couldn't move back into your old place,
but, hey, at least Allison didn't marry a guy she wasn't in love with, huh?
- Yeah. Did you see my Crock-Pot? - Yeah.
It's over there.
(SCREAMING)
Hey, Dad. Hey, Dennis.
Your dad tells me you're driving a Ferrari.
- Uh, I was driving a Ferrari. Was. - What do you mean "was"?
Well, we were sitting outside the lunchroom,
and I went inside to grab some milk, and she's gone.
Couldn't have been more than 30 seconds.
Whoever took her must have known what he was doing.
You know, I never had to worry about that with my old girlfriend.
I could leave Danielle anywhere.
I can leave my wife on the front lawn with her robe open
and no one would take her.
Look, Son, it's better to have driven a Ferrari and lost
than to have never driven a Ferrari.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Huh.
It's Danielle. Looks like I'm back to riding the bus.